The Shiny Salmon
by THA musIc GuY
Summary: Where Soma gets a new Playstation, Erina loves alleys behind libraries, Alice is a love expert, and Megumi asks Takumi to get her a salmon.


**This was a chapter I'd originally typed out for _Love Candy_ , but the style of writing I've used didn't seem to fit the mood. So I changed it a bit and uploaded it as a separate work. I might have been heavily dosed on black coffee without sugar when I wrote this. So I apologize in advance.**

* * *

'So, there I was standing in front of the cat.'

'Was it a female cat?'

'Well, yes.'

'I'm not really sure I like where this is going.'

'Shut up, Takumi. So, there I was standing in front of the cat, the shiny salmon writhing on the ground between us. I tried to slowly move towards it, when she bared her fangs which I realized were made of the most malicious variety of poison-'

'A cat with fangs of poison?'

'-of the most malicious variety, yes.'

'Astonishing.'

'No doubt about that. But I was not going to let the beast triumph. We locked our eyes, and I snarled right back at her. Her mustache-'

'I believe the word is 'whiskers'.'

'-her _mustache_ , Takumi, blew in the wind symbolically. The pond beside us reflected the red colour of the bloodshot sky. The Sun was starting to set, as if apprehending what was about to come. I swung out my knife bravely, like the sexy monster that I am-'

'Something's fishy about that.'

'Well, the fish between us, of course.'

'The fish which we had sent you to buy.'

'You catch on quick. I swung out my knife bravely, like the sexy monster that I am, and the female cat gasped in surprise. It stepped back on its paws, and I smiled at the opening. The fish was mine, finally. The pussy looked at me desperately-'

'That is not okay.'

'-but I was _not_ one to be shaken-'

'...'

'-so I settled my feet on the ground, ready to lunge right in and claim the shiny salmon which was rightfully mine. However, the puss had her own dark secrets-'

'Incredible.'

'Which was just what I thought, when I gazed at the army of she-cats which emerged from the mysterious shadows of the bushes nearby. There always seem to be mysterious shadows nearby. Now, I am a man of valour, and I have fought my fair share of wars. But the greatest general knows when to accept defeat. As I eyed the army of pussy cats which were now snarling at me, their leader looking victoriously at the long wet body of my poor shivering salmon-'

'God damn it, Soma.'

'-I knew somethings were just not meant to be. And hence, I returned. Broken in the endeavour, but not the least in spirit.'

Yukihira Soma stood with his hands on his hips, and a very pleased expression on his face. It reminded one of the first warm breeze of summer, and of birds chirping in the initial days of spring. His smile was brilliant, blinding even, and seemed to be very well in place with his overall air of valour and innocence. He was the embodiment of everything just and right about the world at that moment for all he cared.

Takumi Aldini, however, believed that he was a lying bastard. For one thing, his early morning stroll through the corridors of the Polar Star Dormitory had led him to the unpleasant sight of Soma violently punching the buttons on his new Playstation's console and laughing in a way that reminded him of Italy's ancient Pagan monsters. This event had taken place an hour after the super sexy beas-, after the studious and hardworking Megumi had come to him and asked him to get Soma to use his taste in fishes and bring her a fresh shiny salmon. Takumi had wanted to dish out the freshest and shiniest salmon she would ever find right then and there, but his gentile upbringing had told him that would be slightly inappropriate. Women did not like it when men dished out fresh shiny salmons without warning.

He had, unfortunately, found Soma engaged with his Playstation from the gap in his door. Thus, he did not straight out accuse him of a breach of contract. An Aldini never spied. Well, even if he did, he never got caught. Indeed, he had been foolish to trust Soma with a job after the entire dorm had declared him a lazy sucker the last week. The Playstation was the bane of his existence.

Presently he sighed. He was going to have to try the indirect route.

'Are you sure you actually went out?'

'Well of course. That's how I met Puss, the Terrible.'

'And you were not playing on your Playstation the whole morning?'

'I have no idea what you're talking about.'

'Yes?'

'Yes.'

Soma looked resolute, and his eyes tingled with a hint of hurt. As if he could not believe somebody was questioning _his_ integrity; the words could not have been truer if God, the good Lord above, had uttered them Himself. He pouted disdainfully.

Takumi barfed.

'God damn it, you bastard. Help me work out what to say to Megumi at least.'

'Thought you'd never ask.'

* * *

'So, you're telling me that they were robbed of the fish by a man in a black suit?'

'Y-yes, Erina-san.'

'A man in a black suit with wayfarers and a revolver?'

'Exactly, Erina-san.'

'Megumi-chan. You must realize they are playing you?'

' _Gasp._ What!?'

'Any story that has a man in a black suit is full of shit, Megumi-chan.'

'But E-Erina-san... your father is a man in a black suit.'

'And hence, full of shit. Is he not?'

Megumi Tadokoro was surprised, and enlightened. Her face glowed with the glaze that only accompanies one who has been educated by a God. Or a Goddess, in this case. To think that she had never thought about something as simple as this. Something so utterly evident. Of course stories with a man in a black suit were absolute garbage! That was the underlying truth of all stories that had ever been told.

She smiled passionately at Nakiri Erina, who was looking at her with the air of a teacher who has nothing left to teach her most wonderful disciple. Friends came, and friends went; but Megumi had long since realized that there existed no woman who could triumph over Erina's impeccable presence in her life. She would always be there for her. She would always warn her about stories with a man in a black suit. With wayfarers and a revolver, if need be.

'I have been p-played, Erina-san.'

'Most horribly, Megumi-chan, most horribly.'

'I must confront them?'

'Of course you must. With wayfarers and a revolver, at that.'

'But where will I get a revolver, Erina-san?'

'That is not the correct question, Megumi-chan. The question is, where shall we find the two of them.'

'Ah, yes. Of course. Well, Takumi-kun i-is preparing his project for this semester, and Soma-kun is sleeping at the back of the class as we speak.'

'Then, let's go and teach Takumi-kun a lesson, Megumi-chan.'

'T-takumi-kun? But Soma-kun's right here in the c-class.'

'Questions later, Megumi-chan.'

Megumi took a second to understand that her blond friend, who was the very incarnation of wisdom, was now on her feet. However, the sloppy steps she took and the beads of sweat which had suddenly broken out on her forehead slightly confused Megumi. It almost seemed to her like Nakiri Erina was running away from something. But that was absurd, since class had gotten over fifteen minutes before, and the only topic of their little discussion present in room was Yukihira Soma.

Yukihira Soma, who looked like he'd already made the journey to heaven; his body limp across his desk, his arms tipping over a side, the occasional murmur about pussy cats and shivering shiny salmons coming from his lips. Surely Erina was not frightened by that?

Megumi considered the question fiercely for a second, leaving no stone unturned as she tried to arrive at a conclusion. In another second, she was up and had joined Erina at the door of their classroom, filled with understanding and compassion.

Indeed, boys who dreamt of pussy cats and shivering shiny salmons in the same dreamscape, were to be avoided while in action.

* * *

'Soma-kun!'

'Ow, god damnit Alice. You don't punch a man out of the blue.'

'But, as a matter of fact, I do.'

'That is wholly immoral.'

'The punch was in greeting, Soma-kun. Greetings are the essence of morality.'

Soma bit his lip. She did have a point.

Alice Nakiri had breezed into the room after his class on Turkish cuisine had given over, and done it marvelously (Like she generally did). Soma had been cornered at a far side of the room(Like he generally was), and was praying to God back then. For he'd been completely unsure about how he was to handle the five girls in front of him. He'd wondered how badly he had sinned to be in that position again, and the girls, lovely creatures, were behaving rather frighteningly. Their voices had been caught between a swoon and a yelp; and hence, whatever they'd uttered had sounded like a high-pitched war-cry to him.

Which was thoroughly unpleasant, for they had been declaring their love for him and doing it competitively. Over the past few months he'd realized that girls, majestic creatures, did not really like to declare their love for the same boy and do it competitively.

'Back off, bitch,' one had proclaimed saintly, pushing another sideways.

'He's mine, shitface,' the other had replied, 'MINE.'

Soma had wanted to tell her, the one christened 'bitch', that he was, in fact, not exactly hers. But the rest had all joined in, chanting the same mantra, and he'd come to the conclusion that it wasn't the best time. He was not experienced in being kicked by women, but something told him they were hellishly deadlier than their masculine counterparts.

That was when Alice had entered, brimming with energy and happiness, and very sweetly told the females that her Grandfather was out in the hallway, and was in the mood to hand out some good old detentions. They had scurried away when they'd heard that the detention would consist of cleaning the chicken coups for the rest of the week. Over the past few months Soma had realized that girls, magnificent creatures, did not really like to clean the chicken coups for the rest of the week.

And then, they had landed in their present situation.

'Your fan-club is growing, Soma-kun.'

'Alice, please,' he sighed, not wanting to talk about it. When Isshiki had told him that having a female following was tough business, he had scoffed. When Takumi had told him that having having a female following was raw agony, he'd called him a modest bastard. However, now that he was faced with it himself, he fully realized that it was not remotely that simple. It was hell on earth.

'The battle against Central _really_ put you out there, hm?'

'Moving on.'

'Most of my lovely girlfriends are, and I quote, 'unconditionally and irrevocably in love' with you. I didn't want to ruin their moment by telling them they were quoting _Twilight_.'

That made him stop and think for a while.

Alice had recently pushed beyond all the boundaries of fame she'd earlier been confined to when she'd started throwing kitty parties quite randomly. Many a young girl had come tumbling down to the Nakiri mansion to eat Alice's experimental recipes (Which she insisted were not poisonous. Soma had his doubts about the 'experimental' part, though), and seek her advice on their love-qualms. Alice was suddenly Totsuki's reigning love specialist, and nobody had any idea what she'd done to manage it.

However, Soma did not exactly want to keep talking about his agonizing little cult of followers if he could help it.

'Have you got something else to tell me?'

'Well, yes. I believe you should probably go save Takumi-kun.'

'Save Takumi?'

'Exactly, Soma-kun. He's getting beaten to his death for some story he cooked up about a man in a black suit. I want to say I rushed here as soon as I saw him get pounded, but I'd be lying. It was sort of amusing.'

' _Megumi_ is beating him?'

'Why no, of course not. My lovely sister's doing the job.'

The words had a strange effect on Soma. His face heated up to unhealthily high temperatures; vaguely resembling the tomatoes Isshiki loved harvesting in the summer, and his heart started dancing the Tango. He thought of long blond hair, and dark purple eyes, and the rarest smile in the world. His thoughts wandered to a dark alley behind the library where, in a fit of laughter, a girl with blond hair might have fallen down on a boy with red hair. They might have gotten caught up in the moment, and kissed. On the lips, to clear any doubt. This was, of course, _entirely_ a hypothetical situation. Not that it had actually happened last week and released a hell of awkwardness.

Of course not.

Soma gulped.

'Oh. I, uh, don't think that would be a good idea.'

'Oh, but I think that would be the best idea since hot chocolate.'

'I have a p-project to complete, Alice.'

'Should I call those girls back, Soma-kun?'

He froze, and looked at her like a fish plucked out of water; his life slowly and painfully ebbing away. He glanced at the corner where the five were seated, bickering amongst each other and staring at the two of them like the gods of multi-tasking that they were.

'Damn it, Alice.'

'Always there, Soma-kun.'

* * *

 **R &R?**


End file.
